Interrogation Transcript

The following interview was extracted under duress and the use of a truth serum. What follows may be a form of torture to our readers as well.

Question 1: When did you screw everything up, but no one ever found out it was you?

This question should go to my sister. I’ve never gotten away with anything. But I sleep well.

Question 2: What would you name your boat if you had one?

I hate boats. The last boat I was on first broke down, and then almost sunk, in Gulf of Mexico, with me on it. Then the pilot used me as ballast for the rest of the trip. Talk about a fat joke.

Question 3: What will finally break the internet

When the government gains the capacity not only to monitor, but also to regulate the content and usage of the internet.

Question 4: What celebrity would you rate as a perfect 10?

Probably a sober (and saner) Lindsay Lohan.

Question 5: Which fictional character would be the most boring to meet in real life?

Batman. I imagine he’d want to talk sports. Ughh.

Question 6: What is the best and worst purchases you’ve ever made?

BEST: my college education

WORST: the Cadillac I once purchased from my uncle Bob "for a great price"

Question 7: What’s the closest thing to real magic?

Love. Or technology.

Question 8: What problem or situation did TV / movies make you think would be common, but when you grew up you found out it wasn’t?

Making lot's of money.

Question 9: What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured?

Tearing the tendon in my right calf during an impressive starfish jump, part of a teacher cheer routine at a Spirit Week half-time show a few years back. It still hurts occasionally.

Question 10: What ridiculous thing has someone tricked you into doing or believing?

That Santa Clause could communicate telepathically through my dad -- in Morse Code, no less -- using the blinking red light radio towers as relay stations. But what memories! I still smile when I think of those nights when, after a few "doot-doot-doots" that he said something like, "Too many clouds. Can't get a signal through." RIP

Question 11: Where is the worst smelling place you’ve been?

Baton Rouge, Louisiana after a barge carrying benzine sunk and released a poisonous cloud into the city on the same Saturday afternoon that my mother, who was visiting on vacation, wanted a tour of the city. But let's be honest - it could be Baton Rouge on any day.